Intimidation (blocking doors, hitting things or throwing objects at or near partner)
Using or threatening to use weapons
Stalking
Murder
SEXUAL ABUSE
Sexual Assault = any form of sexual contact is made without explicit consent
Consent between two people requires that both clearly state that they are interested -
yes means yes and no means no
Rape = Forced penetration without consent. (Statutory rape and rape by intoxication such as alcoholor use of “date-rape drugs” e.g. rohypnol)
Sex is not the end; it is the means of control. Rape is about power not sex
Sexual Harassment = Unwanted touching, kissing, comments
Depends on context: If male and female friends always comment on each others' clothes,
that's fine; but if a man stares at a woman's shirt and says, with a certain tone of voice,
"nice shirt," it is harassment.
Making someone feel scared to say "yes" or "no" regarding any sexual activity
Pressure (i.e. unsafe sex)
FINANCIAL ABUSE
Controlling all money or using it to get what they want.
Excessive gift giving, especially to make up for abusive behaviour.
Why Do Some Stay in Abusive Relationships?
There are many reasons that some people may stay in an abusive relationship:
Being surrounded by abuse has become her reality
Someone may have been in abusive relationships from a young age, have been exposed to abusive situations, or may just not know what a healthy relationship is. Notions like: “This is normal”,
“That’s just how it is” may show this
Others feel that only physical abuse is real abuse and other abuses such as emotional, mental, and financial abuse, are not valid issues
Some girls feel they should be in a relationship, mostly because of peer pressure or because of strong messages left by the media. "Having a boy/girlfriend is what everyone does!" But being single is great too!
Ignore it
A person may know they are in a violent relationship but choose to stay to try and change/fix the relationship or the other person.
They may make excuses – “He had a difficult week” “Failed a test” “Has a lot of work” to dismiss acts of abuse.
The idea that the partner was not like this in the beginning, and makes up for the abuse he has done
Not know of Alternatives
A person may be aware that she is in an abusive relationship, but doesn’t know of an alternative, how to respond, or how to get help
A person may have social repercussions based in cultural or religious taboos and ideals if she leaves; abuse is made a private matter. E.g. being outcast by the community for divorcing or admitting abuse.
Has fear
A person may not want to lose face, be afraid of what friends, family, and community members would think of them if they admit abuse. They may think that the blame would be put on the victim.
Their personal sense of shame, embarrassment, humiliation, and guilt and the shame the family may receive.
Sense of responsibility towards the partner, family members, not wanting family dishonour.
The abusive partner could use intimidation by threatening the children, pets, the partner or themselves
Love
Sense of loss in a relationship, hurts to leave
Feels that it is best for her children or her friendship grouping
How to Help a Friend
Your friend has come to you for help. First, be flattered that you are considered a person who is trustworthy of dealing with this difficult situation. However, there are some things to consider while being a supportive friend to someone experiencing abuse.
BE SUPPORTIVE AND WILLING TO LISTEN:
Let your friend know that you believe what has been told – chances are, the situation is worse than is being let on.
Encourage, but do not pressure, your friend to talk about the abuse. Allow your friend to say as little or as much as comfortable.
Offer to accompany your friend to talk to the RCMP, employer, parents, community services etc.
Your presence will help your friend be strong and feel supported.
No matter how tempting it is to bad-mouth the abusive partner, stop yourself. Many people in abusive relationships want the abuse to stop, but for the relationship to continue.
Support your friend’s emotions: fear, anger, hope, grief at the loss of a relationship, etc.
REMEMBER: You may be the only person your friend can trust. Be attentive, believe what is said, say that you care, and show that you are willing to help.
HOW TO HELP:
Reassure your friend that s/he did not cause the abuse. Someone who is violent learned to use violence as a way of expressing anger or frustration long before their relationship began.
Tell your friend that s/he is not alone is this predicament. Abuse happens to people of all economic classes, educational levels, religious and ethnic groups.
If your friend is not ready to make major changes at this moment, do not take away your friendship. Your support may allow your friend to act at a later date.
Point out different options available to your friend, and help evaluate each one. Your role as a friend is to SUPPORT, not to rescue.
Remember that there are no simple solutions but that change is possible. The most important thing is to make sure your friend is safe.
Help with your friend’s self-esteem: Tell your friend what qualities you admire, ways in which s/he is valuable, and what strengths and special qualities s/he has.
REMEMBER: Decisions should be made by your friend, not by you. Your role is to be the best friend you can be, nothing more.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF:
Helping a friend who is in an abusive relationship is often stressful and can be dangerous. You need to look after your own physical and emotional well-being.
Don’t confront a friend’s abusive partner about the abuse. This will actually make it more difficult for you to see your friend and the partner could become violent towards you.
Talk with other people about your feelings, fears, frustrations, and reactions to the abuse. You can do this without giving away your friend’s name or betraying your friend in any way.
REMEMBER: There are no simple, easy solutions for your friend. If you have a friend who is hurting do not ignore the abuse. You may be the one link that they have to a world without violence.
Talking With Your Teen: How to Discuss Sexualized Violence Written material originally developed by Strathcona Assault Centre Ltd.
TEENS CAN HAVE PRESSURE TO HAVE SEX...
Teens in our society often feel pressure to date and to act in sexual ways. They may feel pressure to please others in order to be popular. This can make them more vulnerable to unwanted sexual activity.
Teens need to:
Believe that no one has the right to force any sexual activity on them for any reason. This includes if they are dressed attractively, if they have been drinking, and if their date paid for the evening out.
Be clear about their sexual limits. They should communicate their limits early in relationships.
Be able to say no, loudly and publicly if needed, to unwanted sexual advances.
Be very careful about dating someone more than one or two years older. A large age difference can make a teen more vulnerable to pressure.
Plan ahead about how they’ll get out of a situation if they need to. They should take money for a phone or cab and let someone know where they are.
Avoid drinking too much or doing drugs. Alcohol and drugs can impair their ability to react.
Trust their instincts. If a situation feels uncomfortable, it’s probably unsafe and they should leave quickly if they can.
Tell an adult if someone has hurt them or tried to hurt them. Talking about it makes it much easier to cope with.
...OR BE THE ONES PRESSURING
OTHER TEENS
Teens got a lot of confusing messages about sex. They may believe the common myths that a date who says no to sex wants to be convinced, or that coercing or pressuring someone to have sex is normal. This can make them more likely to commit a sexual assault.
Teens need to:
Listen to their dates’ wishes and limits about sex. Silence is not consent. If they are getting mixed messages from a date, they should ask.
Assume that ‘no’ always means no and accept that message. They should never pressure anyone to have sex.
Avoid assumptions. They cannot assume that their date wants to have sex because she or he went out with them, dressed attractively, went home with them, or has had sex before. They need to ask.
Be very careful about dating someone more than two years younger than them. A younger teen may lack the experience and confidence to know or communicate sexual limits clearly.
Avoid drinking too much or doing drugs. Alcohol and drugs impairs judgment. Teens need to know that being impaired is not a defense for committing a sexual assault. They are still responsible.
Resist pressures from friends about having sex. They need to make decisions based on what is right for them, not on what their friends say.
International Rights: International site with interesting information on violence against women and women’s health.
Options for Sexual Health (formerly Planned Parenthood): Options for Sexual Health offers information and assistance regarding birth control, pregnancy counseling and abortion service referrals. They are also connected with the ‘Won’t Get Weird’ sexual health campaign (604-731-7803).
WAVAW: Women Against Violence Against Women / Rape Crisis Centre: A Greater Vancouver program providing services for women who have experienced violence.
Women Educated in Self-Defense (WEST): WEST is a volunteer organization teaching self-defense techniques to women and children (604-876-6390).
Women’s Research Centre: Research is done for women’s groups and consultations are provided, as well as workshops on evaluation, research methods, organizational development, and women’s issues (604-734-0485).
White Ribbon Campaign: Great site for both guys and girls on how men can help to stop violence.
Vancouver Incest and Sexual Abuse Centre: Provides individual counseling for adults who were sexually abused as children, as well as support groups and legal assistance for victims of sexual abuse.
Vancouver Status of Women: Works to improve the status of women and advocates for positive change in legislation.
Vancouver Women’s Health Collective: Offers health resources to women, including self-help groups, a medical resource library, and an on-duty health care professional. Services include cervical cap fittings, and pregnancy and abortion counseling.
Victims Line: A province-wide service that offers information and referrals for victims of crime. (1-800-563-0808).
If you, a friend or your child are in an abusive relationship and you need to talk to someone in a non-judgmental and confidential manner you can call the CRISIS LINE at 604-270-7070.
