To be ignored or misunderstood often leads to feeling of hurt, rejection, and dejection. As well, the opposite is also true; when we feel as if we are being listened to it makes us feel understood, cared for, and cherished.
Unfortunately, we are all, at some point or another, guilty of being poor listeners. Being a poor listener can be categorized in one of two ways: being a combative listener or being a passive listener:
A combative listener is someone who just will not let you get a word in edgewise! He/she is also
the kind of person that constantly attempts to take over the conversation with their own thoughts
and ideas.
A passive listener may be quite attentive and may be sincerely interested in what the speaker is talking about; however, this type of listener doesn’t give out any signs that they are indeed listening.
Then what does a good listener look like? Well, he or she is an active participant in the listening process. This means that a good listener:
is engaged
attempts to understand and relate the information being offered
responds to someone’s feeling and thoughts in an effort to understand the total meaning of what the other person is saying
implies no evaluation and no judgment
validates and accepts the feelings and ideas being talked about
When you do all these things, we call it “active listening”. To be a good active listener, there are a few techniques that can be used: attending, summarizing, paraphrasing and reflecting.
ATTENDING
These are non-verbal and verbal responses which communicate your interest in the speaker and your willingness to try and be helpful. Attending shows that you are listening without interrupting the speaker’s train of thought. While attending, use body language to show you understand, such as smiling or nodding. You can also use words to attend to the speaker like “Uh-huh….”, “Yes….”,
“I see….”, “Hmmm” or “Right….”
SUMMARIZING
Summarizing is an effective way to review things that the speaker is telling you. It provides an opportunity to move on to another topic to or to add to what has already been discussed. Also, summarizing serves as a good way to end a conversation and wrap things up. Moreover, a summary allows you to check-in with each other to make sure everyone is on the same page. So, in summary, summarizing is a helpful active listening tool!
PARAPHRASING
After summary, the next level of listening is paraphrasing. Paraphrasing isn’t just repeating what has been said, but communicating the core message. When you paraphrase you put into your own words what you think is the most important part of what the speaker is saying. Before paraphrasing ask yourself:
What are the core messages?
What is most important?
What themes are coming through?
What does the speaker want me to understand?
REFLECTING
While paraphrasing pays attention to feelings, it tends to focus on content. Reflecting is different because while it focuses on feelings and emotions, it doesn’t really deal with content. Reflecting is an attempt to empathize with the speaker and to really try and physically feel what the speaker is feeling. You do this by:
actively listening to the speaker
taking in what they are saying
processing what they are saying
identifying the feelings associated with what they speaker has shared
empathizing with the speaker by imagining what they may be feeling
reflecting your perceived understanding of the feeling back to the speaker by saying things like
“You feel ________ because _______”
Tips on Being a Good Communicator: Assertive Communication
I. What is Assertiveness?
Assertiveness is the ability to honestly express your opinions, feelings, attitudes, and rights, without unnecessary anxiety, in a way that doesn't violate the rights of others.
It's not aggressiveness, it's a middle ground between being a bully and a doormat.
It's dependent on a feeling of self-worth, a sense that if you behave in a certain way, something predictable will occur.
II. Why is Assertiveness important?
Reduces anxiety and stress often caused by misunderstandings and conflicts.
Allows you to express your thoughts and feelings clearly and effectively.
Self-esteem and self-confidence is enhanced and you have better control over your own life.
Others have more respect for your ideas and opinions by knowing where you stand.
Relationships with others are greatly improved by disagreeing without being hostile.
Having the ability to say “no” when you mean “no” without feeling self-conscious.
Motivates others to clearly state their own opinions and ideas.
Allows you to ask for help when needed without fear and stress.
III. How can I be Assertive?
Use assertive body language. Face the other person, stand or sit straight, don't use dismissive gestures, be sure you have a pleasant, but serious facial expression, keep your voice calm and soft, not whiney or abrasive.
Use "I" statements. Keep the focus on the problem you're having, not on accusing or blaming the other person. Example: "I'd like to be able to tell my stories without interruption." instead of "You're always interrupting my stories!"
Use facts, not judgments. Example: "Did you know that shirt has some spots?" instead of "You're not going out looking like THAT, are you?"
Express ownership of your thoughts, feeling, and opinions. Example: "I get angry when he breaks his promises." instead of "He makes me angry."
Make clear, direct, requests. Don't invite the person to say no. Example: "Will you please ... ?" instead of "Would you mind … ?" or "Why don't you … ?"
Tips on Being a Good Helper: The Ask, Listen, Help Formula
When we have looked at the various warning signs and determined that a friend might be suicidal or in an abusive relationship, it can be a bit overwhelming to decide what to do next. That is why a helpful way to approach this is in three steps: ask questions to find out more, listen so that the speaker feels validated, and eventually offer the friend options that can possibly help.
ASK:
It is always important to start with general questions that are open-ended (meaning that they don’t have yes or no answers). This way we can allow our friend to just vent and discuss what’s going on in his or her life. Examples of such questions are:
Are you okay?
What’s going on?
Why the sad face?
How are things with _____________?
I’ve noticed ______________; how do you feel?
Eventually, if your friend hasn’t already disclosed this information, you will want to ask an important close-ended question (one that can be answered with yes or no). This allows you to determine what kind of support your friend needs. This question will often look like this:
Are you being abused/feeling suicidal?
LISTEN:
Being a good listener is incredibly important. In fact, we have information on this very page on how to be one. However, when we are dealing with someone who is suicidal, being abused, or in a similar type of crisis, there are some specific things that need to be mentioned:
Believe them
Your friend is probably incredibly relieved that someone has cared to ask about them; don’t wreck the trust by doubting their reality
No advice
You want to provide options, not tell your friend what to do. Remember that your aim is to empower your friend to make good decisions, not treat them like someone who is incapable of being in charge of their own life.
Focus on them
Friendship is a two-way street, but sometimes we need to put our own issues on hold when someone serious comes up
Active listening
See above
Go to a safe and quiet place
Hallways and classrooms don’t allow you the privacy and time that you need to really listen to your friend; find a place that will be safe enough for your friend to open up.
HELP:
No secrets
Obviously you don’t want to announce your friend’s problem to the world, but it’s incredibly important to not keep something this important to yourself: It’s better to have a friend who is mad at you than a friend who is dead or seriously injured. Forgiveness will come when your friend is able to seek help.
Be a good friend
Recognize your responsibility, which is to be empathetic and supportive. However, at the end of the day, your friend ultimately has the choice whether to end his/her life or stay in an abusive relationship. Whatever your friend does, it is not your fault.
Tell a trusted adult
There are many adults in the community who should be able to help you and your friend deal with the problems at hand; it is important that you seek out that trusted adult who will have the resources to help. You may have to try one or more adults before you find the right helper, but there are tons of adults who should be able to help, such as: parents, teachers, counselors, community centre youth workers, bosses, CHIMO, coaches, religious leaders etc.
Get help yourself
Don’t deal with this burden on your own; make sure to debrief with your own trusted adult to make sure you keep yourself mentally healthy after dealing with a big problem
